Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.