There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Where’s my employee discount too?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.