I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
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A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.