*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
did it work
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!