My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes