Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.