Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
shampoo implies shampee
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”