I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
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911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.