A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
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“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.