Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My favorite type of men is ramen.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me