me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it