coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Breaking news:
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles