If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
car not found
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I need to get some bricks…
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.