Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
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Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.