My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.