My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Natty or not?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
tis the season
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*