Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct