[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”