supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
channeling her this year
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.