Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.