“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.