You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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Brands during Pride
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.