Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
😲 WTF? 😆
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.