Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
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when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I cannot call her anything else now
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*