boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!