It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
You Might Also Like
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.