me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
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Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me trying to reach for my goals
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Breaking news:
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”