When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
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when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy