Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
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r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow