I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
There’s only one good girl here!
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time