I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
reduce, reuse, recycle
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
*exercises sarcastically*
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”