Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Who called it baking and not making love
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.