I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Good morning y’all ☀️
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.