“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*