After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
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Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
“What movie?” 🤔