velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
This was the best day of my life
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.