I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect