Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets