GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
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“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I feel seen
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco