4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
You Might Also Like
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that