Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
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*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?