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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.