my name if I was in the mob
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Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
#parenting
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
crazy
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*