I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”