You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now