has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*limbos away from your hug*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded