Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
You Might Also Like
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.