One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here