Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
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Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine