looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
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Have a lovely day 😊
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Just ordered me some pizza!
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Said the murderer.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
The game has officially changed 😎
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.